How It Should Have Ended
by Kairi 'Shadow Sage' Taylor
Summary: An satirical look at the adventures of Saya Kisaragi and how they could have really ended.


How It Should Have Ended: Blood-C

DISCLAIMER: Sadly, this series is not mine. The people that are responsible for the original train wreck of an anime were Production I.G. and CLAMP. **_ESPECIALLY CLAMP._**

_Author's Note: If you never seen this anime before or barely heard of it, I will save you the trouble now: Don't watch it. EVER. Just...don't. Trust me on this when I say it's probably the worst anime I have ever seen and I sat through Vampire Wars and some truly crappy hentai films I will not even dignify with a name drop. After viewing the series with a group, I literally stuck two middle fingers in the air and said 'FUCK THIS ANIME!' in response to all I saw. So, as a public service, and because I am at heart a silly git, this is how I think the events of Blood-C should have gone down..._

(Saya Kisaragi is shown riding a bicycle to school)

Saya: Ah, such a beautiful day out here! Oh hello! My name is Saya Kisaragi. I'm a miko at the local shrine and live with my father Tadeyoshi. I'm really just your typical run of the mill school girl who enjoys sweets and I'm kinda clumsy. (As she says this she accidently runs over an innocent bystander with her bike.)

Bystander: Damn it! Why is it whenever she's around, someone here gets horribly injured? (Fumito Nanahara appears, sly grin on his face)

Fumito: You have NO IDEA just how right you are, buddy.

(At the school gates.)

Guard: You're late again, Kisaragi!

Saya: I know, I know, I'm sorry!

Guard: You're lucky you're so damn wastefully cute and cheerful, otherwise I'd never let you in! I'm curious though, why are you always so late?

Saya: Uh, I, um, have a LOT of duties at the shrine. You know standard miko stuff. It certainly has NOTHING to do with the fact that I may or may not do battle nightly with unholy beasts that will soon horribly run amok and kill people while devouring their flesh. And all of it depicted in graphic detail.

Guard: Wow. I did NOT need to hear that.

Saya: Probably not. (Saya walks into the school. Seconds later, the gate falls on the guards foot)

Guard: GAH! SONOFABITCH!

(Inside Saya's classroom)

Yuka Amino: Hey Saya, wanna have lunch at the roof later?

Saya: Sure! (To audience) This is one of my friends, Yuka! She's a rather nice girl pretty smart. Her age is—

Yuka: NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS!

Saya: Huh?

Yuka: Oh nothing, nothing. I'm 16. Yeah, that's right 16. And over there by the window is dashing bad boy Shinichiro Tokizane. (Shinichiro is shown looking outside by the window wistfully)

Shinichiro: Meh, I rather be sleeping. (Nene and Nono Motoe appear besides Saya)

Nene: Oh come on Saya, wouldn't you rather be with the school president, Itsuki Tomofusa?

Nono: Duh, he obviously has the hots for you!

Saya: I don't know. I really don't think he likes me that much.

Nene: I beg to differ. (Nene points to Itsuki, who holds a picture of her)

Itsuki: Why? Why won't you notice me? I'M CUTE DAMN IT!

Nono: We're the main character's token best friends! You know what that means!

Classmate: That you're both gonna die?

Nene: What? NO!

Classmate 2: No, they're both gonna die. HORRIBLY. (A random skylight falls on his head)

Saya: It seems a lot of people get hurt badly when I'm around.

Nene: Sister you have no freaking idea. (The teacher, Kanako Tsutsutori, enters)

Kanako: Good day class. I hope all of you remembered to do your homework)

Itsuki: WHY WON'T SHE REMEMBER ME?!

Kanako: And I hope Saya remembered something important!

Saya: Uh, is today Ramen Day at the cafeteria?

Kanako: Noooo...wait actually it is! But are you sure there was, you know, nothing else? Anything that might further things along in the long run? (All of the classmate's eyes are on her)

Saya: Something tells me I'm about to open a huge can of worms I should never have opened.

(Later on at night, Saya takes on a Furikimono who was attacking an innocent bystander)

Bystander: Holy CRAP! A monster!

Furikimono: Hey! That's just mean! Just because I devour human flesh does not mean I don't have FEELINGS!

Bystander: But you just admitted to killing and eating humans.

Furikimono: Yes, but it doesn't mean I have to like it!

Saya: Don't worry, sir! I promise I won't let you get eaten by—(Saya stops mid sentence as the Furikimono bites the bystander in half and gulps him down)

Furikimono: Yeah, listen kid, what you're doing is kinda wrong. Any other hero probably would have stopped me from killing that guy and gutted me already, THEN made that proclamation. You're kinda just standing there looking dumbfounded.

Saya: Oops. Sorry.

Furikimono: Wait, who did we say was writing this?

Saya: Uh, CLAMP.

Furikimono: Crap. Then in that case, it's probably going to get worse. And I mean X/1999 movie worse!

Saya: It can't be that bad!

**COUNTLESS DEAD VILLAGERS, BYSTANDERS, MOTOE TWINS AND GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW MANY COWS LATER...**

Saya: I swear, this time, I will not let anyone else di—(a villager is bitten in half)

Villager: Lady, do us a favor. STOP HELPING US!

Furikimono: Seriously, I think you should reconsider a new line of work. Have you considered being a pop idol? The world can use more Meganekko girls singing.

Saya: Uh, you think so?

A Certain Man's Voice: YES WE CAN DAMN IT!

(Fumito's Shop)

Tadeyoshi: I'm worried for my daughter. All of this strain on her with the constant fighting will somehow affect her mentally.

Fumito: Relax sir; I'm sure it can all work out. You look tired.

Tadeyoshi: I...kinda am...

Fumito: Then sit here and relax for a while. I'll take good care of you. (As he smiles, a couple of alarms go off.)

Tadeyoshi: What was THAT?

Fumito: I don't know. (Konata Izumi and Kanji Tatsumi appear)

Konata: Sorry, that was my 'Possibly Yaoi Couple' alarm being sounded.

Kanji: Yeah, and my 'Definitely an Evil Asshole' alarm went off too. So it has to be one or the other.

Tadeyoshi: _ Can't it be both?

Fumito: O_O AWKWARRRD...

(Roadside)

Saya: You don't mind that I risk my life fighting all these things?

Shinichiro: No, I think it's rather cool. It's actually pretty sweet that you can ruthlessly chop up monsters with a sword and take a crapload of injuries and walk it off.

Saya: Really?

Shinichiro: Do I look like the kind of guy that would lie to you? You can trust me! (A girl walks by)

Girl: Bullshit. (She gets hit by a speeding car)

(Later on, at Saya's home, she is talking to a dog with weird markings)

Dog: So...you don't remember making a wish or anything at all?

Saya: No...A lot of things are vague...and confusing really. I mean, all these killings and the police have done NOTHING to investigate? Wouldn't they have called in the JDF or something? Come on, you can't possibly not notice something like this, not even Umbrella could have covered something this violent up! And how come I never met any of my friend's parents? And just WHY are you here anyway, are you my spiritual guide or something?

Dog: No, I'm just an avatar for a character from another one of CLAMP'S works.

Saya: And you do...

Dog: Absolutely nothing here. But I do wanna point out that Itsuki is kinda smitten with you?

Saya: You think? (She looks outside her window, where Itsuki is standing, holding a radio up with his arms)

Itsuki: DO YOU NOTICE ME NOW?

(Back in Saya's classroom)

Classmate 1: Ok, anyone else find it odd that no one else aside from us and what's left of Saya's main circle are here today?

Classmate 2: Yeah. It's almost like a scene right out of a horribly scripted horror fan fiction.

Classmate 3: Oh come on, it can't be that transparent...right?

Classmate 4: Maybe the fact that our class nicknames are 'cannon fodder', 'meat shield' and 'appetizer' should be a warning sign.

Yuka: Oh come on, you're all being paranoid! We would NEVER be killed off needlessly. Maybe that girl..and him..and you...

Shinichiro: Uh, guys, what is THAT? (Shinichiro points outside to the schoolyard, where a large and octopus like Furikimono is standing there, looking up.)

Itsuki: It looks like what happens if an octopus fucked a frog and had really ugly children!

Furikimono: HEY! I take offense to that! My mom was a SAINT! (The monster rushes over to the school and leaps onto the wall) Watch Saya as I kill all of your friends, eat them before your eyes and—wait, wait, hold on a second! Guys, the other classmates...they're gone!

Shinichiro: They left the second they saw you.

Furikimono: So...where did they go then?

MEANWHILE IN KARAKURA TOWN

Ichigo: Uh Rukia...

Rukia: Yeah, I'm seeing it too. (The two look on as a large amount of people arrive by various means, some by bus, others by motorcycle or car.)

Ichigo: What's going on?

Classmate 1: We're getting as far away from Saya as possible! The whole town in fact.

Classmate 2: Do you have any idea what is like to be around a person whose very existence is an assurance that you will die a horrible grisly death? We don't want to live in a town like that!

Rukia: But you're moving in a town that is constantly besieged by Hollows and other supernatural occurrences.

Classmate 3: Uh huh, we know. The difference between this series and the one we left? WE'LL LIVE.

Rukia: Fair enough.

Ichigo: Welcome to Karakura Town. If you're an attractive big boobed female stay away from Chizuru.

(Saya's Shrine. Kanako confronts Saya)

Kanako: I was coming here to see if you regained all of your memories yet, but at the rate this show is going, Adult Swim will be airing anime weeknights again before that happens! So screw the waiting! We'll do this the old fashioned way! (Nene and Nono appear along with Shinichiro who has a vial)

Saya: What the—you guys are ALIVE?

Nono: No, we're zombies! OF COURSE WE'RE ALIVE! Oh and we're assholes.

Nene: And we may or may not be heads of a prostitution ring for underage girls. Shinichrio also does not like you.

Shinichrio: Now then, have some monster blood and remember that you were a ruthless and aggressive sword wielding bad ass! (Shinichrio, Nene and Nono grab Saya and force her to drink)

Nono: Guys, a thought occurs to me.

Nene: That we may have started a chain of events that would result in something so grotesque and mind shatteringly violent occurring it would make 'Cupcakes' look like 'Care Bears' in comparison?

Nono: Uh, yeah, there is that. But what if not only she gets her memory back, she gets really, REALLY pissed off at us?

Shinichiro: Oh come on, look at her. Even if she does get her memory back, there's no way she'll regain the strength to—(Suddenly Saya grabs his throat and her eyes turn red)

Saya: Oh I remember...I remember EVERYTHING...so let me understand this..All that has happened in this town...all of those people that I had sworn to protect...it was all part of some dumbass plot to see if I could change...and YOU ASSHOLES WERE IN ON IT?!

Nono: Oh crap.

Nene: When you put it like that—IT WAS HIS IDEA! (Points to Fumito, who is accompanied by Yuka and Itsuki)

Fumito: Was it really that obvious I was the bad guy here?

Kanji's Voice: WHAT DID I FREAKING TELL YOU?!

Nono: Not only that-SHE'S 26!

Yuka: I'm 28, BITCH! Err, I mean...aw screw it! We're all pretending to like you.

Itsuki: I'm not!

Shinichrio: Why would you like someone like her anyway?

Itsuki: (Kimura like face) BECAUSE GIRLS IN GLASSES ARE SEXY AND HOT!

Saya: Fine, I get it Itsuki, you like me. If you really wanna prove it though, I would like you to do me a favor and beat the snot out of this asshole here!

Shinichrio: Oh come on, he's too much of a wuss to—(Itsuki grabs Shinichrio by the collar and rapidly begins to punch him in the gut hard)

Nene: You—you wouldn't kill us, would you?

Saya: I may not be able to kill humans because of my code (cracks her knuckles) But there is a hell of a lot I can do to a person to make them wish they were dead.

Nono: Uh, is that a good or bad thi—(Saya grabs Nono and suplexes her into the ground)

Nene: BAD THING BAD THING!

(The Furikimono Cerberus erupts from the depths of the shrine)

Cerberus: IT'S TIME TO PUNISH THOSE WHO WOULD BETRAY MASTER FUMTIO—what the hell?! (Cerberus comes across a rather chaotic scene- Nono lies bloodied and unconscious in a crater while Nono's body is sticking up from the roof of the house. Kanako lies in a mass of broken tables as a crowd nearby shouts 'ECW! ECW!' Itsuki smashes a chair over Shinichiro's skull as Saya hits Yuka with the Dempsey Roll. )

Fumito: Yeah, your timing is WAY off.

Cerberus: I'll, uh, just be leaving. Now. (Saya suddenly appears in front of the monster, sword drawn)

Saya: Oh no. I may not be able to kill humans, but I have no problem killing YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FOLLOWING SCENE WAS FAR TOO GRAPHIC TO WARRANT A DESCRIPTION AND EXCEEDED THE LIMITS OF GOOD TASTE. ALSO IT WAS MUCH TOO SILLY THEREFORE WE SHALL SKIP TO THE CONCLUSION

(Saya removes a piece of stray aorta from her body as she confronts Fumito)

Fumito: So...I would say the experiment would be a rousing success, huh?

Saya: No. No I wouldn't.

?: Neither would we. (From out of the wood line steps the original Saya from 'Blood the Last Vampire' and Saya Otonashi from 'Blood+', both very upset)

Saya: What are you doing here?

O. Saya: We've been watching this entire series play out from the beginning. Let's just say that we were not very happy with what's going on.

S. Otonashi: And I did not appreciate being woken out of my sleep to see a 12 episode mind rape geared to get people to watch a bad movie. So we took some steps.

O. Saya: We had a few words with CLAMP while we were on our way here...

(Cut to a scene where two members of CLAMP get their heads knocked together by Original Saya as Otonashi Rock Bottoms the others. Cut back to now.)

S. Otonashi: And now all that's left is this douche bag.

Fumito: Uh, can we talk this over?

Saya: You captured me, used my blood to create monsters, made me believe your right hand stooge was my father and had people horribly killed in some sadistic game of yours to test me.

S. Otonashi: And he's not even human.

Saya: Oh. That makes it different then. (Her eyes glow red) I don't have to hold back.

O. Saya: No, neither do I.

S. Otonashi: And we're ok with that. (Pulls out a baseball bat with barb wire, set on fire.)

O. Saya: You're REALLY going to use that, aren't you?

S. Otonashi: Yes. Yes I am.

(Cut to a cafe somewhere, where I sit talking with Batman and Superman)

Me: ...and then the 3 Sayas utterly beat the HELL out of Fumito! It's a beating so brutal, the Geneva Convention has to be re-written so that it's never repeated again! And after all that, Saya and Itsuki go off together and live a rather interesting life!

Superman: Well, it's odd. And outrageously violent at the end. But it makes more sense than the original Blood-C, so that's a plus. Too bad it's only gonna be a story.

Batman: Actually, I agree with you, but I pulled some strings. It's already gone into production and will premiere next year.

Me: Wow! That was fast!

Superman: Wait, how did you do that? Why did you do that?

Me: Wait, don't!

Batman: BECAUSE I'M BATMAN! (Grapples off and out of the store)

Me: I knew he'd do that.

Superman: Sorry, sorry. I should have known better. So, are you gonna go finish 'Meg of the Dead' now?

Me: Yeah, I need to. You know how hard it is to make Family Guy funny?

Superman: Seth McFarlane doesn't.

Me: OUCH, Super Burn!


End file.
